So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
