Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
