1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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