i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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