And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
