How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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