I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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