Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think I won the penis lottery.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
