Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
