she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize