you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
