All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
