I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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