I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize