I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
