i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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