I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
