I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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