Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just wanna soil my oats bro
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
