I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
