I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
