I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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