you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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