I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
