she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
