The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
