the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
