what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
