I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
