I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize