If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
