I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
