I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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