I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
All the doctor said was why
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
