I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
