I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
