also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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