it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think I am morally bankrupt
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
