When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
