Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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