now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize
