hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
