her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
