I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
