i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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