Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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