you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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