I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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