I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
