I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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