Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize