It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize