I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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