walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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