someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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