I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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