1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
