So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
zippers are such a cool invention
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
