Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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