hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
