I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
