im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
