Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
