My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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