I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hello my rib-scented angel!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
