i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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