ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
