i was born a porn star she said
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
