hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
