I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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