When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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