Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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