Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
